I completely agree with you. It does feel as if the only time we are noticed is when we’re doing something wrong. Having said that, I’ve talked to many ex-wives (myself included) who feel the exact same way. It just shows me that we both need to be more understanding and appreciative of what we do individually as mothers so that we can begin to respect what we do collectively. Visit my blog that specifically focuses on the topic of blended families at http://www.blendingin.wordpress.com. Your comments and insight will always be greatly welcomed and appreciated as we are firm believers that dialogue promotes change.

First off, I would like to say thank you for your comments. They are always so greatly appreciated and necessary if we hope to understand this type of family as well as understand ourselves.

Of course, I know you were referring to my conversation with Amy in your post. I know you feel that she divulged a great deal of information, but before you get upset (you might already be there), let’s remove our defenses and look at the situation from a different angle.

First of all, I’m sorry that you and your husband were hurt by Amy’s statements, but remember this is how Amy feels, and she’s entitled to those feelings (no matter how unjustified you may feel that they are). And, my advice and the conclusion that I derived was based on what Amy told me, for that was all that I had to go on. Secondly, Amy didn’t divulge any names, dates, locations or any other specific information. She wanted to vent, and I’m glad that she felt that this blog was a safe place for her to do so. Additionally, I am aware that there are at least two sides to every story, but both sides MUST be told (no matter how painful and hurtful it is to hear) in order to work towards some sort of resolution.

Finally, Danielle, I have been working with other blended families for years now, and I know that there is a lot of blame, guilt, mistakes, hurt feelings, anger, unresloved feelings, bitterness, confusion, lack of understanding and more. But, it is essential that you talk about it in order to move past it, especially for the children. Please visit my other blog on blended families for a more in depth view of this topic at http://www.blendingin.wordpress.com. I am always interested in hearing the countering viewpoints of ex and second wives, and I am anxious to get them dialoguing about those viewpoints. I know it won’t happen over night (belive me, I know – just read the blog), but I am hoping that by both you and Amy responding to this post that you are interested in trying to understand where the other is coming from. You both seem really open to that. Dialogue promotes change, and you and Amy have just taken the first step to changing the dynamics of your blended family.

Visit http://www.blendingin.wordpress.com and let’s begin to work it out.

Thanks for sharing, Danielle!!

Kela

When I read this article my first thought was “Fantastic!!! Took the words right out of my mouth!!!” I then thought to myself (with no intention to actually follow through) “Maybe I should send this to the ‘ex-wife’.” Then to my surprise, shock, and utter dismay: not only had she already read it, but short of giving names took it upon herself to publicly divulge in great detail to you personal information about my husband, me, and the situation we are all involved in with regards to her son. As with every story, there are two sides and one will never tell the whole story if the other side will paint them in an undesirable light. I will not bother to waste my time conjuring defenses or telling my version because to be quite honest, I am above needing to denigrate a person’s character or speak publicly about their private matters to make myself feel better. I do believe, to an extent, that venues such as this are helpful for people to sort out their feelings and seek advice from others *WITH DISCRETION*. Unfortunately, some write without regard and people like me and my husband wind up feeling hurt, embarrassed, and violated. All in all I just want to remind you, and others that read the above comments, that before judgments should be passed (as I see you have already about my husband) you’ve only heard one half of it.

Kela

Take care,

Amy

Like you, my son’s stepmom was instrumental in getting my ex to see the light. Maybe this is why the blended family revolves around the mom and stepmom. Like I stated in my Wives Wars article: “If we can get the wives to behave like parents and adults (usually the men will follow suit), then we’re more than half way there.”

It’s so funny that you say that every time they are nice to you, you get worried…LOL! I thought I was the only ones who felt that way.

I certainly hope and pray that one day your ex realizes that this situation is not about YOU AND HIM; it’s about your son. As such, it’s not a competition revolving around who your son likes more. If there is a problem with your son, it should never be about “proving something to you.” It should be about figuring out what the problem is with your son! Why is it so difficult for the egotistical male to see that??

Take Care,

Kela

Luckily the parenting time only changed during the summer (since summer is chaotic anyway, I figured it would work best, so we flip flopped the schedule so ExH has the schedule I usually have… during the summer months.) and I was able to offset our son’s insecurities by having him spend time during the day with his grandparents and I meet him every day for lunch. It is just pitiful the way our son seems to talk himself into being okay… (he is only 4 as well.. will be 5 soon) I feel bad for him because he keep saying that he doesn’t like summer and counts the days to come home. Unfortunately there was no way to help Exh understand that easing our son into a new arrangement would have been best.. he wants what he wants and wants it now!… (one of the major reasons the marriage did not work…
as I am thinker and need to think through the scenerios before I say yes, he just jumps) Anyway, the sad part is that his irrational thinking has probably been reinforced, because he does have a better relationship with our son now… (grant it he was never spending time with him before and wasn’t actually being a parent…and has now begun being a parent.. but, unfortunately he sees it as: see I told you if I took time from you he would like me more:) It is sad to see an adult so in the dark. Oh I just don’t get it!

Luckily it was his wife that was a big player in helping him to back off. Grant it they were both really nasty to me for a while, but I remained neutral and responded graciously to their hurtfull comments. I feel bad for her as she had to endure a heap of crap that was there before she came into his life. She seems to be handling it well and I hope she is able to stay the course so our son doesn’t have to endure another break up. I have no idea why she married him, as she seems to have a good head on her shoulders, I guess love is truly blind sometimes:) In all fairness though, he does help to produce great kids!

I do wish it could be simple. One conversation at a time.

Take Care,

Amy

Your situation with your exH sounds like how my situation used to be between me and my exH. He, too, was talking all that nonsense about our son being too attached to me, and he somehow thought that forcing him to be with him more was going to rectify the issue – NOT! It actually made the situation worse. At the time, my son was only 4 years old, and he actually ended up disliking him because of it. If he even heard his name, he started crying because he knew he might have to go over there. At that point, I didn’t care what a court order said, I went to pick up my child–EVERY SINGLE TIME. Afterwards I would try to explain to my ex that he was doing more harm than good. If he wanted our son to want to be with him, forcing him definitely wasn’t the way to do it. I suggested that he gradually increase time spent with him -until he’s comfortable. Divorce and separation of family is very hard on a young child. I’m not saying that when he cries and wants to go home because you won’t give him a toy or something, then allow him to come home. But, if he’s always crying to come home as soon as he gets with you, then there’s a problem, and before you force him to be with you, we need to figure out what that problem is. Afterall, you are really not considering the best interest of your child if you force him, against his will, to spend time with you. It’s more about you and what you want, not the child. We had to give him just a little control in this situation. When he finally started listening to me, is when it got better. Have you tried (I’m sure you have) to calmly talk to him about it? Is your ex putting on an act for the new wife?

I, too, live in an unrealistic world of hoping that we all can one day just respect each other – Ha. Don’t you wish it could just be that simple??

Have a great evening.

Kela