Wives Wars byKela Price
Note to Ex-Wives
Let’s face it, in today’s day and age, there are more baby’s mamas and baby’s daddies than there are just plain old moms and dads. As a matter of fact, in the 21st Century, the blended family has become the most common family, the “normal” family. Many children live with a biological and a step-parent. Although, this family is increasingly common, many are still struggling to make it work. The question is why? If you ask most family counselors and psychologist, they will tell you it’s because the stepfamily will not and cannot function as a natural family; establish clear job descriptions; go slow; it takes time, blah, blah, blah.
For the past 7 years I have been an ex (I have a child with someone who is currently remarried) and a current wife (I am married to someone who has a child with someone else) and my experience totally challenges the traditional advice that you may have heard regarding the blended family. While there may be some truth to this traditional way of thinking, there is a deeper force that ultimately contributes to the success or the breakdown of the blended family…the wives. Their pride, egos and territorial mentality create an unhealthy environment for the entire blended family. If we can get the wives to behave like parents and adults (usually the men will follow suit), then we’re more than half way there.
First of all, let’s remember that when two people have been together for a number of years and share a child, there is an automatic history and with this history comes feelings. These feelings may be both positive and negative or just plain confusion. Even though he or she may know that it’s over (in some cases, has been over for a while), it may still hurt to initially see that person with someone else. This hurt can stem from at least three things: 1). You may still have more love for than you thought for that individual. 2). Closure, sometimes the end of a relationship is not a reality until you see your ex with someone else. 3). Change, it’s easier when neither of you have significant others, but as soon as they enter the picture, things change. As a result, many ex-wives react to their inability to sort out their own internal conflict and take it out on the current wife. For example, your fear of change may provoke you to become territorial. It’s that “I had him first and we did it this way before you came along” childlike mentality.
The first thing the ex-wife needs to realize is something that is very logical and that is, you must deal with your feelings regarding your past in a way that doesn’t affect those around you, especially your children. Second, you must realize that the change didn’t occur when your ex-husband remarried, the change occurred when you decided to get a divorce…QUIT BLAMING THE CURRENT WIFE. Things were changing before she came along! I am so sick and tired of the current wife being used as a scapegoat for the ex-wife’s issues. You cannot expect to operate as if you never divorced just because there are children involved and especially when he remarries, so stop diluting yourself. Change and compromise is necessary in the blended family. It isn’t fair for you to expect the current wife to embrace your way of thinking and doing things. Remember that she might have children as well and/or her own way of thinking. Just because she has chosen to marry a man with children and fully accepts his children and all the mayhem that comes with it, doesn’t mean that she didn’t have a mind of her own before deciding to do so. Therefore, ex-wives, you need to stop assuming, start trying to understand and respect where the current wife if coming from. If she is uncomfortable with your prior routine, please know that your ex-husband’s loyalty does not lay with you because you share a child. His only responsibility and loyalty is to his current wife and his children. So, he has to find a solution to work for them, not you.
Be honest with yourself and stop shouting “my only concern is my kids” if you really don’t mean it. You can’t really believe that your children benefit from creating tension and being difficult. Ask yourself this question; how are my actions affecting my children? If they are negatively affecting them and you continue with that behavior, you can’t possibly believe that you are acting in their best interest. Remember, they are already scared and confused enough as it is, and only a bad parent intentionally adds to that confusion.
Finally, ex-wives, it’s time to look within and stop posting blame on everyone but you. I know that the blended family is hard for everyone involved, not just you and your children. Instead of being part of the problem, start being part of the solution.
[...] I came across this post Note To Ex-Wives and because I couldn’t say it any better myself, I encourage you to read it [...]
Stepmother's Milk- Blog, Advice, Forums, Support and Help for the Stepmom, stepkid, stepfamily and step parenting :: Austin, Texas said this on August 9, 2008 at 3:46 pm |
I always enjoy reading perspectives, but I hate the bouncing back and forth of control. It seems we can find a justification for our actions around ever corner and it changes with every new perspective. Come on, I am all for step-parents, but when it comes down to it and the decisions need to be made….Step-up or step-aside! I am a pretty open minded woman, I divorced my husband, NOT my kids. She married my husband, NOT my kids. Kids are an extra bonus, but they are not and never will be her children. IF she is lucky and treats them with respect and kindness, they will love her and she will be a welcome adult in their life, but that is it.
WE all have to work out something that works so the kids can have the best chance at growing up well adjusted, but that does not mean that the ex-wive should just step aside and let step-mom take over or that step-moms should be treated with kid gloves. We are adults here. I keep hearing how we, as Bio parents, made the choice to divorce so we should just take responsibility for our choice, well ya know what, step-parents CHOSE to marry a man with children and all the mayhem that comes with hit. Child like or not, it is reality. I am the mom, I was here before, during, and I will be here after, I am not going away, and if you want life to be okay then WE need to work things out, not just ME or YOU… WE. If she wants to be included, fine and great, but it is a voice, NOT the final say. If she wants to argue her point well then get ready for a brawl. STEP. Step-up or step-aside
Amy
Hi Amy,
While I completely respect your opinion as it is something that I have heard before from ex-wives, I must say that I don’t totally agree. It seems to me that you are assuming that (like most other ex-wives that I know) that stepmothers are trying to replace you when this is not the case at all. I wish that more of you would stop viewing us as some sort of threat instead of viewing us as an added bonus. No matter what you choose to think; we are the ones taking care of YOUR children when they are in OUR home. By default, this makes us automatically included in most decisions. Not to mention that we are married to your ex-husbands!! Don’t you expect your husband to include you in all of the decisions that either affect your household or will affect you?? Well, it is no different with stepmoms and second wives. We don’t expect you to step aside, believe me, we know that we are going to have to deal with you for the rest of our lives. It is a decision that we made prior to marrying our wonderful husbands. I just wish those dealings could be a little more pleasant. Just like you aren’t going anywhere, we aren’t either!! Just like we better get used to you, you better get used to us! Do you see how it works both ways??
And for you to say that YOUR children will never be her children is unfortunate; because you are automatically cheating your children out of the love that us step parents can give. We are just as much their parental figures as you are. Visit http://www.blendingin.wordpress.com and read some of my posts that were submitted by step children! These children think of their step parents as PARENTS and nothing less. Please don’t cheat your children out this opportunity because of something that you may be feeling. YOU MUST SEPARATE THE TWO! Often times when we try to speak for our children, we turn out to be totally wrong. Allow them to speak for themselves!
We are fully aware that you divorced your husband and not your children. But, when you make that decision, you must know that there is an enormous possibility that your ex will remarry; when he does, you must make room for someone else. She is his wife and expects that same out of him that you did when you were married to him. Just try to put yourself in her shoes. If you are really interested in EVERYBODY WORKING TOGETHER, then the first step is to rid yourself of this childlike mentality that keeps you believing that everything is about you – it’s not! It is and should continually be about the children. It’s disheartening to always hear ex-wives talk about how it’s all about the children, yet all of your complaints regarding second wives are about how they make YOU, NOT YOUR CHILDREN, feel!
Final thought – most of us have stepped up. We make a choice to love and care for your children. Instead of continually trying to degrade us, try actually working with the step mom in your life so that you can raise healthy, well-adjusted children.
Our son loves his step-mom, I would never ever get in the way of that. I just get sick of hearing it one way or the other. It has got to be BOTH, not mom or step-mom alone. To be honest in my case after seeing dad move 2 or 3 woman in and out of his home, it was a GOD send when this last woman decided to stay. It takes time though to realize that it is forever. In our case it had a lot more to do with DADs immaturity that poor step-mom just happen to walk in to a volitile relationship. I don’t even know if it was her “choice” Dad didn’t even know her on and off for a year while dating other woman and got her pregnant and moved her in within 3 weeks and married her a month later. Sorry if I don’t see that as permenant! It is going to take time.
I guess I look at it as any TEAM. If I were the Starter and go to person on the team and some freshman popped in all cocky and started trying to push her weight around and exert her authority, I would have a problem. now if this freshman came in and quietly introduced herself and then performed well for the team, I would have little problem, as it is for the bettermeant of the team, but I’ll be damned if I would just role over for some kid that is all talk.
Each situation is different. In ours it started out rough, but through MY patience and understanding of her position, things are calming down. I was put down like you wouldn’t believe, by both my ExH and her; for absolutely no reason other than wanting to know who this woman was who was moved into our son’s life. Our son was crying to come home all the time, how the hell was I supposed to know she was okay, and then she started in on me. Oh I was furious!
Like I said with the annalogy, if she had come in with an air of cooperation and allowed time to take it’s course I would have been fine, I was thrilled a the thought of the line of women in and out ending! But she pushed herself in and I did not respect that! Believe me, i would rather have a woman in that houselhold! At least I have some peace of mind!
So before you go generalizing about my thoughts, please Know my situation. I just sat through two wonderful performances of our child, with MY parents… where were Dad and Stepmom?
And as far as how our child feels, he is a happy go lucky well adjusted kid. He loves his dad and I have encouraged his relationships with both dad and step-mom and his new little brother and will continue to do so.
I work with her as much as she will allow me to. She is included in everything. Just because I state an opion does not mean I do not do what is right. Talk is talk. Doing what is right is a whole other story. I walk the walk every day.
So don’t get on some high horse acting like all ex-wives are the evil vilans and you might want to switch the name son your own post, as if it were from me, and rethink who is childish. I think I could agree we both are, but I am definiately not alone here.
Amy
Hi Amy,
I certainly didn’t mean to generalize, but I when it comes situations such as this (blended family) it kind of becomes personal. Like you don’t know mine, I don’t know your situation. I can only go off of personal experience. In my experience, I was and am continually beat down as a second wife and step mom. My husband and I have known each other since I was 14 years old. We dated for nearly 3 years prior to getting married, and we’ve been married for 4 years. In my case, it certainly wasn’t a sudden marriage that caught her by surprise. But like you mentioned in your first comment, she automatically thougth that I was trying to replace or even nix her altogether. I was just trying to convey to you that this often times isn’t the case with step moms. The days of the “evil stepmother” have withered away. Just because we desire and deserve to build a relationship with our husbands and children (including stepchildren) that are independent of you, doesn’t mean that we don’t recognize your presence and position in all of our lives.
Let me also say that I am also an ex (I have a child with someone who I spent 6 years with), so I completely understand (to a certain extent) the position of some ex-wives. It’s painful because you have to view apart of your child’s life from a distance. You have to allow him to have his time with the other side of his family, without you. It’s difficult because you are used to and always thought that you’d share every thing and every moment with this child; but not you have to let go a little earlier than you thought. And you have to trust these other people with your child. I KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE HOW HARD THIS CAN BE! But, it is something that must be done. When I realized this, stepped back and allowed my son to develop a relationship with his stepmother, I was overjoyed with the outcome. I would never tell her that he will never be HER child, especially if she’s willing to take that position in his life. I nearly cried when he came home for the first time, professing his love for his new mom. I breathed a sigh of relief because I knew he was okay over there. I didn’t accuse her of trying to take my place.
Having said all that, Amy, I completely understand where you’re coming from, too. Mainly because my situation with my ex and his new wife didn’t start off that way. Like your ex, he only knew her for a short time (3 months) before they got pregnant and married! My son also called crying to come home on several occasions and I went to pick my baby up – EVERY TIME! Like you, the new wife and my ex tried to accuse me of probably the same thing that they accused you of. But it didn’t matter because my main objective was protecting my son, and at the time, I didn’t feel like it was their main objective. Needless to say, we didn’t start working together as parents until I felt that they both had his best interest at heart, and not before. I felt as if this was my responsibility as his parent.
And so, I am not on some high horse at all, Amy. I don’t think I am being or have been childish at all. My article is a reaction based on my experience. This is MY personal testimony (just as your story is yours). If it doesn’t apply to you, then so be it. But like me, I know plenty of step mothers who can relate to my testimony.
I’m glad that your child is happy and well-adjusted, and I hope that you continue to put your feelings (no matter how justified) aside in order to work with your exH and his wife.
okay, so you are not child like at all:) I apologize for my rant. Thank you for sharing your story.
I do want to let you know, that I am also trying hard to change the role of blended families… where and when it is safe to do so.
Do you think that the whole mom/step-mom debate takes responsibility away from dad? Sometimes it seems as if it is all about mom and step-mom and we end up raising the child, while dad kicks back and watches.
Honestly I think my own beef with “step-mom” comes from the father’s rights and shared parenting initiatives. As much as I agree all parents being involved can be a wonderful thing, I have seen a lot of hurt come from these initiatives. Almost the reverse. It seems like we are turning the tables… It seems that right now, there is little about the benefit of moms, but here is so much literature on how important dads and step-partents are in the kids lives.
I am just wondering if I am alone in seeing the trend. It always seems like the best way to change things is through action, by simply being a good mom/dad/step-parent/etc and giving each realtionship time.
I believe in empowerment as long as it is not power over. I don’t believe anyone has an advantage on parenting, but I do belive that a child has the right to have a permanent schedule that will not have to be taken back in to court every other year to change. If it is working, why change it?
Anyway, thanks for the responses, I have a lot to think about.
Amy
You know what, Amy, I completely agree with you. Little emphasis is placed on what dad needs to be doing; which is why I try my best to draw attention to these issues as well through my personal blog – http://www.blendingin.wordpress.com. I am on both sides of the fence, and believe me, I have PLENTY of issues with my ex and his approach to parenting.
I’m not so sure I agree, however, that giving each relationship time works – it hasn’t for me. I have been with my husband for 7 years and his ex is still bitter about something. When I initially came into this relationship, I tried to take a backseat, but it was hard to do so. Especially since I was the primary caregiver for HER (continually reminds me of this) child when he was in my home. My husband was at work all of the time. When I took a back seat, I was seen as being cold and insensitive. But, when I tried to take a more active role, I was trying to replace her – I couldn’t win and still can’t. She only wants my husband to be involved with her and her son, but I am his wife; and I am not going anywhere. I am more than just an adult figure in her child’s life. I AM THE ONE WHO TAKES CARE OF HIM WHEN HE’S WITH US. I feed him; I am chaffeur; I am nurse; I am a confidant; I tuck him in when he’s sick. Overall, I am the same mother to him that I am to my biological child. Give respect where respect is due. I am not trying to take over. I am simply running my household.
By that same token, as an ex, I know that I have certain rights as my child’s mother. As I stated in my previous comment, it is my responsibility to be involved (to a certain extent) in my son’s life, even when he is with his bio dad. However, I still continue to try and remain mindful and understanding of my son’s stepmom’s position, too.
It truly is a difficult situation, but I think the first step towards change is open, honest dialogue. It is so important to avoid assumptions and really try to understand where the other person (ex wife, second wife, divorced dad and children) is coming from.
Thanks so much, Amy, for sharing your thoughts, opinions and story with me. It has been nice chatting with you. Let’s keep this dialogue going – DIALOGUE PROMOTES CHANGE!!
Kela
I think your paragraph on giving relationships time, is where it breaks down for me too. Not break down as in bad, but break down as in where is Dad? This is where I don’t understand why the child can not be with is mom (or dad if it is the other way around). Tonight for example… my son’s father has a meeting starting at 7pm. Why not bring our son over to spend some extra bonus time with me. Not that Step-mom can not do the job. She is a wonderul person in her own right, but she has a new baby at home too, and although she and our son have a good relationship, why does Dad choose to put the parenting time with her instead of me? I think, for me, this is where some resentment comes in. I do deal with it, and I respect it, but it doesn’t make sense to me… (Mind you, his father lives two blocks away on the same street So it would not be out of the way to drop him off). This is where I feel that the tension comes in as it is obsurd to want to keep a child away from a parent because it is not “their” time. I know I know there are boundaries, but if we really want to be “blended” doesn’t that sort of mean that boundaries can be blurred, that we can all sort of have respect for each other’s position and even rely on each other?
The waiting and the time is where I get “stuck”.. It is not so much control as it is not understanding why things can not be simpler.
I know time doesn’t seem to work, and it likely won’t with me either, but I try. I guess I try to look at them as family. I may not have chosen them, but they will be there forever, and I don’t want to be miserable having to document my whole life for the next court date.
So far this is what I am understanding:
The players:
Mom and Dad
Child/Children
Bonus/Step Mom and/or Dad
Their children
Common Children w/ Mom and/or Dad
Then all the others grandparents and what not.
so all this argueing comes from 2 or 3 of ALL these players…right?
So mom and dad can’t stand each other… grow up, your divorced, and are grown ups so let the past be history and try to build a new definition of family… so then the players look like
Mom/Bonus/Step Mom and Dad/Bonus/Step Dad
All the kids and other family =
extra love and more people to rely on and maybe even some unexpected fun…
Why the separation of family? With separation comes a struggle for control.
I don’t struggle with control with “my” family, I treasure the moments our son has with them… there is not “visitation/parenting time” schedule to follow. They call when they want they send packages when they want and they stop in ad visit whenever they want. They are family.
So why not blurr the boundaries… within reason, and not ALL the time, but he majority of the time.
Is it really all because ex-wife and husband had SEX? So what. It happens. its over and done with, it didn’t work, why is so taboo to be cordial with someone you once had an intimate relationship with? What is the definition of a friend?.. definition #2
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
So we don’t have to be friends… Definition #1
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
but we can be Friends #2 and be supporters of each other in our journey of parenting.
I don’t know if ANY of this made sense! but it seems that this has got to be a whole lot easier than we make it.
Amy
It did make sense, Amy. But, I don’t think your theory will apply to every family. For example, in my case, with my current husband and his ex-wife, clear, cut boundaries were ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY! Your theory will only work if every player involved has the same common goal. You’re right, we’re all adults here, and we have to remember to respect each others’ current roles.She called crying, if her aunt died. She called crying asking my husband to come rescue her friend when she was “supposedly” being abused. She had a long-time boyfriend at this point, too. They were together before my husband and I were, so why not call him for these things? She would call late at night to ask silly questions. She would have her friends call late at night to ask silly questions – all while being completely rude to me. She didn’t say, “hello, how are you?” It was like she felt entitled to my husband just because she bore his son, and I didn’t like that feeling. Like I said, I have an ex too, but I would never think to, nor do I desire to give him a call in the middle of the night to chat it up. And, I wouldn’t do that if I had a married male friend that I wasn’t intimately connected with – it’s disrespectful. Therefore, boundaries had to be established and often do, so that everyone remembers their respective places within the family unit. You should always have a visitation and child support order in place – it legally protects your son, especially when either party has been or is being inconsistent. A legal order doesn’t say that I am not cooperating. It says that you want things to be fair and your child deserves consistency, by both parents.
As far as spending time with the opposing parent when either of you are busy, we usually leave this up to our son to decide. Often times he wants to stay with my current husband, because to him, he is dad. He’s been raising him for the past 7 out of 11 years. But, there are times when he wants to stay with his stepmom when his bio dad is busy. I certainly don’t get upset when this happens because it’s not about me; it’s about him. My question to you is this: If you guys only live 2 blocks away from each other, there is no visitation order in place and your son wants to come home when dad is busy, then why can’t he just come home?
Lastly, your comments and insight is always appreciated. Thanks for sharing.
Kela
Hey Kela,
We do have an order in place. The schedule was just changed last november, so this is the first summer that our son has spent more time at his dad’s house and he is having a hard time. They are just trying to “break him” of his want to always come back home. Dad seems to think that because our son is so attached to me that the only way he can bond with him is to take time away from me… yeah I know it makes no sense, but I agreed as I did not want to go back to court as it would have only caused more stress and I can not be %100 mom if I give my time to stressing about court… ick! Plus I know the risks with court and I do not like the odds with the push for 50/50 schedules. I would not do that to an unconsenting child.
I would certainly have boundaries in your case. I know with me I am the ExW, I can never ever imagine calling him for anything outside of our son. He tries to talk to me about old friends and details of his life that I am not concerned with and I smile and make small talk and wait for him to leave. Sounds like your husband’s ExW has not found her post divorce self and is trying to maintain a very innapropriate connection with YOUR husband. It really does depend on each individual situation.
Yeah, I spend most of my life in an unrealistic ideal of what could be if people would just respect each other.
I have definately learned alot hearing from step-moms and listening to everyone’s situation. With understanding, true understanding, can come positive change.
Have a good night,
Amy
Hey Amy!
Your situation with your exH sounds like how my situation used to be between me and my exH. He, too, was talking all that nonsense about our son being too attached to me, and he somehow thought that forcing him to be with him more was going to rectify the issue – NOT! It actually made the situation worse. At the time, my son was only 4 years old, and he actually ended up disliking him because of it. If he even heard his name, he started crying because he knew he might have to go over there. At that point, I didn’t care what a court order said, I went to pick up my child–EVERY SINGLE TIME. Afterwards I would try to explain to my ex that he was doing more harm than good. If he wanted our son to want to be with him, forcing him definitely wasn’t the way to do it. I suggested that he gradually increase time spent with him -until he’s comfortable. Divorce and separation of family is very hard on a young child. I’m not saying that when he cries and wants to go home because you won’t give him a toy or something, then allow him to come home. But, if he’s always crying to come home as soon as he gets with you, then there’s a problem, and before you force him to be with you, we need to figure out what that problem is. Afterall, you are really not considering the best interest of your child if you force him, against his will, to spend time with you. It’s more about you and what you want, not the child. We had to give him just a little control in this situation. When he finally started listening to me, is when it got better. Have you tried (I’m sure you have) to calmly talk to him about it? Is your ex putting on an act for the new wife?
I, too, live in an unrealistic world of hoping that we all can one day just respect each other – Ha. Don’t you wish it could just be that simple??
Have a great evening.
Kela
Wow! Yes it is uncanny how similar the situations are. Yes, he definately was putting on an act for the new wife. It has been about a year now and things have calmed down. I still am uneasy when they start to be nice… like oh great, what is going to happen now?
Luckily the parenting time only changed during the summer (since summer is chaotic anyway, I figured it would work best, so we flip flopped the schedule so ExH has the schedule I usually have… during the summer months.) and I was able to offset our son’s insecurities by having him spend time during the day with his grandparents and I meet him every day for lunch. It is just pitiful the way our son seems to talk himself into being okay… (he is only 4 as well.. will be 5 soon) I feel bad for him because he keep saying that he doesn’t like summer and counts the days to come home. Unfortunately there was no way to help Exh understand that easing our son into a new arrangement would have been best.. he wants what he wants and wants it now!… (one of the major reasons the marriage did not work…
as I am thinker and need to think through the scenerios before I say yes, he just jumps) Anyway, the sad part is that his irrational thinking has probably been reinforced, because he does have a better relationship with our son now… (grant it he was never spending time with him before and wasn’t actually being a parent…and has now begun being a parent.. but, unfortunately he sees it as: see I told you if I took time from you he would like me more:) It is sad to see an adult so in the dark. Oh I just don’t get it!
Luckily it was his wife that was a big player in helping him to back off. Grant it they were both really nasty to me for a while, but I remained neutral and responded graciously to their hurtfull comments. I feel bad for her as she had to endure a heap of crap that was there before she came into his life. She seems to be handling it well and I hope she is able to stay the course so our son doesn’t have to endure another break up. I have no idea why she married him, as she seems to have a good head on her shoulders, I guess love is truly blind sometimes:) In all fairness though, he does help to produce great kids!
I do wish it could be simple. One conversation at a time.
Take Care,
Amy
I feel bad for your son as well. Mainly because the one thing that I’ve realized through my blended family is that kids will eventually adjust. Whether or not they properly adjust is the part that I question. I’m sure that your husband and son do have a good relationship now, but no relationship is as good as it can be if it is forced. The fact that he’s still counting down the summer months to come home is proof of that. It’s only been a year and he’s only 4 years old. I wish your husband would understand that a gradual increase of time would do wonders for your son’s relationship with all involved parties.
Like you, my son’s stepmom was instrumental in getting my ex to see the light. Maybe this is why the blended family revolves around the mom and stepmom. Like I stated in my Wives Wars article: “If we can get the wives to behave like parents and adults (usually the men will follow suit), then we’re more than half way there.”
It’s so funny that you say that every time they are nice to you, you get worried…LOL! I thought I was the only ones who felt that way.
I certainly hope and pray that one day your ex realizes that this situation is not about YOU AND HIM; it’s about your son. As such, it’s not a competition revolving around who your son likes more. If there is a problem with your son, it should never be about “proving something to you.” It should be about figuring out what the problem is with your son! Why is it so difficult for the egotistical male to see that??
Take Care,
Kela
Me too! Continue being a great parent and thanks for the posts, it is great to see that we can have our own opinions and still listen to others and find that we are not the only ones feeling the way we do.
Take care,
Amy
I agree. Good luck to you, Amy!
Kela
OMG, thank you SO much for writing this post!
Kela,
When I read this article my first thought was “Fantastic!!! Took the words right out of my mouth!!!” I then thought to myself (with no intention to actually follow through) “Maybe I should send this to the ‘ex-wife’.” Then to my surprise, shock, and utter dismay: not only had she already read it, but short of giving names took it upon herself to publicly divulge in great detail to you personal information about my husband, me, and the situation we are all involved in with regards to her son. As with every story, there are two sides and one will never tell the whole story if the other side will paint them in an undesirable light. I will not bother to waste my time conjuring defenses or telling my version because to be quite honest, I am above needing to denigrate a person’s character or speak publicly about their private matters to make myself feel better. I do believe, to an extent, that venues such as this are helpful for people to sort out their feelings and seek advice from others *WITH DISCRETION*. Unfortunately, some write without regard and people like me and my husband wind up feeling hurt, embarrassed, and violated. All in all I just want to remind you, and others that read the above comments, that before judgments should be passed (as I see you have already about my husband) you’ve only heard one half of it.
Hi Danielle!
First off, I would like to say thank you for your comments. They are always so greatly appreciated and necessary if we hope to understand this type of family as well as understand ourselves.
Of course, I know you were referring to my conversation with Amy in your post. I know you feel that she divulged a great deal of information, but before you get upset (you might already be there), let’s remove our defenses and look at the situation from a different angle.
First of all, I’m sorry that you and your husband were hurt by Amy’s statements, but remember this is how Amy feels, and she’s entitled to those feelings (no matter how unjustified you may feel that they are). And, my advice and the conclusion that I derived was based on what Amy told me, for that was all that I had to go on. Secondly, Amy didn’t divulge any names, dates, locations or any other specific information. She wanted to vent, and I’m glad that she felt that this blog was a safe place for her to do so. Additionally, I am aware that there are at least two sides to every story, but both sides MUST be told (no matter how painful and hurtful it is to hear) in order to work towards some sort of resolution.
Finally, Danielle, I have been working with other blended families for years now, and I know that there is a lot of blame, guilt, mistakes, hurt feelings, anger, unresloved feelings, bitterness, confusion, lack of understanding and more. But, it is essential that you talk about it in order to move past it, especially for the children. Please visit my other blog on blended families for a more in depth view of this topic at http://www.blendingin.wordpress.com. I am always interested in hearing the countering viewpoints of ex and second wives, and I am anxious to get them dialoguing about those viewpoints. I know it won’t happen over night (belive me, I know – just read the blog), but I am hoping that by both you and Amy responding to this post that you are interested in trying to understand where the other is coming from. You both seem really open to that. Dialogue promotes change, and you and Amy have just taken the first step to changing the dynamics of your blended family.
Visit http://www.blendingin.wordpress.com and let’s begin to work it out.
Thanks for sharing, Danielle!!
Kela
WOW! I couldn’t agree with you more. I am so tired of being the “unappreciated” step mom. It seems likke the only time I get noticed is when I “do something wrong”, like get on to the kids after I have called them down for dinner three times, and then get onto them for sassing me when they finally answer me. No one seems to realize that I am the ones putting these little guys through college while mommy sits on her but at home and sells “stamp it up” for clothes money.
Jodi,
I completely agree with you. It does feel as if the only time we are noticed is when we’re doing something wrong. Having said that, I’ve talked to many ex-wives (myself included) who feel the exact same way. It just shows me that we both need to be more understanding and appreciative of what we do individually as mothers so that we can begin to respect what we do collectively. Visit my blog that specifically focuses on the topic of blended families at http://www.blendingin.wordpress.com. Your comments and insight will always be greatly welcomed and appreciated as we are firm believers that dialogue promotes change.